the remains of the day...

The Remains...

The crew is out the door.
Hallie Ann off to the vet clinic - animals waiting.
Steve and Tom off to school
and Tom also off to a weekend of Winter Camp with the youth group.
I can't help but smile and sigh as I look around the house
It's a mess
As it is every morning.
In an hour or so it'll all be put in place
As it is every morning.
I put it back in order....
they come home and undo the order....

(Kind of how we persistently wreck havoc with God's order)
hmmm.

I read the other day how important it is to love our kids (or whoever)
IN their ugly.
We get that privilege. 
When we're frustrated, angry, inconvenienced -
We can meet them with an affirmation of love 
or we can make sure they know our 'wrath'
Which would I want to be met with?
We have to train and deal with discipline and figure out game plans
BUT FIRST - do they know no matter what
they are secure in our Love?
Do they know that doesn't change?
What's more important -
The rules?
The Love?
no contest.

Ok, so they could do a better job of not leaving mess in their wake
There is a place for the shoes, 
and I'm not the only one who know's where they go.
Blankets can be folded and stacked,
by someone other than me
Crumbs can be wiped up 
by someone other than me
But to tell you the truth
They all usually do what's right
what's helpful
Life is mostly joint venture, pitching in together
but life is messy
and there's often a wake left behind
and I get to smooth it all out and make it right
I get to serve them
make sure home is a calm place to come home to
make sure clothes are washed
make sure dinner is made
make sure there is a sameness, a predictableness to home
and that fills me with peace and a feeling of being needed
I get to be mom, the smoother of rough edges.
I get to take care of the loose ends, the remains of the day.

I get to love them in their ugly. 

So I look around at the mess
and start putting away and putting to right
And I know it matters
They matter
and I matter
we mean something to each other
That's family

In the beginning - what was He thinking?

Genesis 1 and 2:
In the beginning - God created
          EVERYTHING
By the power of His word, everything was put in place
It's all made by Him.
But before it was all made,
at the end of Genesis 1:2 it says
...and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters...
His Spirit was hovering, waiting...
I can't help by wonder if He was pondering, considering...
Was He pondering over what He was about to do?
As He looked forward and saw what was to come 
What may have been His thoughts?
Of course none of us can know His thoughts
They are too big.
But again, I wonder, 
He would have seen it all - 
creation
the garden
man
relationship
then turning - sin - His creation choosing away from Him.
So Did He keep looking forward?
Did He look ahead to eternity?
He was there, over the waters, in the midst of the Beginning...
He could see the Horrific Mess in the middle.
but was He focusing on the end?
As He hovered there.

To us, the middle is everything,
it is all we know.
The good of it, the bad of it, the ugly of it.
The sad thing is that there is just so much chaos
so much horror, so much pain and disappointment
so much turning from God.
He saw it all.
He knew how bad it would all be.
- how far we would fall
- how angry we would be
- the hate in our fist shaking at our creator
- the look of our backs defiantly turned away from Him
     ...our faces willingly turned toward His enemy
- how utterly against Him we would be
To us, what we see around us is enough
...enough to make us think that none of it is worth it
but God kept looking
and He saw the end - the eternity.
and somehow, looking at THAT - 
He decided to go ahead with it.
His hovering gave way to creation, to action
It makes me wonder, 
What is eternity?
What is heaven?
that is was enough to not hold back the hand of God?
So as His Spirit hovered
and time began -
God moved.
He created.
He put it all in motion.
And we have Genesis 1 and 2.
And then....
so soon after it all started,
it all began to crumble, just as He knew it would.
We chose chaos 
We chose what was other than God.
From the start, we doubted He who had always been faithful
- He who had always been good.
and we began listening to the one who always lies.
There was no 'long time of fellowship' before the horror began
We sinned 
....and Genesis 3 - Revelation began to play out
Just as God knew it would when He was hovering and pondering
And Yet, 
He still began it.
Makes me long for eternity.
Oh, how He loves you and me.

He just IS

I want to erect a standing stone.
I wish there was a huge pillar of stone that I could put up 
-to help me forever remember
-to remind me to never forget...the faithfulness of God.
A year ago today was simply the hardest day
But today - 365 days later,
My heart just overflows with hope and thankfulness.
God brought us through!!
Not that the journey is over, but we've broken through the thickest of the fog!
'Be still, there is a healer, His love is deeper than the sea!!!!'
I just love Jesus so much.
and you know, 
if nothing was easier, 
if nothing was better,
If the day was just as dark,
and hope just as hidden,
I would still love Him
He would still be the healer
His love would still be as deep.
It isn't my perception or my happiness that makes Him who He is
His goodness doesn't depend on things going my way
He is who He is independent of my belief
He just is.
And I am so grateful.
so..
hopefully I can be that standing stone.
Hopefully my life can be a faithful witness to HIM
His love overwhelms me.

peace

A winter day at home
Tommy is working on a writing assignment...
Hal is taking a break from her studies and working on a puzzle...
I am here - just sitting for a while
and listening.
I can hear the hum of the fridge, 
the occasional sound of the furnace turning on
the clock ticking 
and the sound of my computer keys
but other than that, all is quiet
Outside the air appears to be still, though on second look, branches are waving a bit.
Little winter birds flutter to the feeders,
and then flit off to the pines to eat.
The dogs are asleep.
A sort of lazy afternoon.
A relaxing respite in a busy day.
It's like I can hear God whisper,
"Peace, be still"

echos of love

Days together.
Days to cherish.
My son was home for a few days this past weekend
a little over 5 days to 'drink him in' .... as Anne Shirley might say
he asked me why I kept staring at him
I couldn't help it
It fed me.


One of my favorite books is "Laughter in the Walls" by Bob Benson
he writes of the things of families and what holds them together.
In the title poem, he talks of how he and his wife would sit and listen 
to the quiet of their house when it was just the two of them at home,
their children grown and on their own.
he speaks of sitting and listening to the whispers of the memories...
the 'laughter in the walls'.
I guess that is what I am hearing tonight.
The laughter and loudness and noise of family quietly echoing in the stillness
I love the noise....  and I love the quiet afterward, 
even the melancholy of it.
Mostly I love the time with those I love.
I know it must have a beginning and an end -
that after the 'looking forward to' and the 'living through' are done, 
there is only the memory left (and the hope of the next time)
but it's all So good.
This time together was particularly sweet because of the struggles we have recently gone through. 


Our predictable (ha) world has been shaken these last several months.
The storm and the pain that we have been through has exhausted me.
We have weathered something I never imagined -
but we have weathered it.
Or at least are out of the brunt of it.
There is a lot of healing to do - which will take time,
but I have this overwhelming assurance there WILL be healing
A heart will be mended.
There will be joy.
It all just reminds me over and over 
that GOD IS FAITHFUL
He CARES so much for us
My pain is felt by HIM and He comforts me
and He comforts those that I love.
I sometimes don't know what to do with that knowledge
It seems too big, too much, too wonderful.
It overwhelms me to tears.
I can rest and let go of my cares -
Because God so firmly and completely 
has it all under control.


I am so thankful...
and now, in the quiet of my little house
with those that I love spread back out - near and far
I can bask in the echos of love...
the laughter in my walls.

God's song of love...

There is a verse in Zephaniah....verse 3:17....that says "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you.  He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

Wow.

My God rejoices over me with singing.

He quiets me with His love.  

He delights in me.

He is with me.

I can't even say how much this means to me right now

Every family goes through hard times and pain

It isn't new or really unexpected...

but when it comes it still takes us off guard.

We are going through some things right now 

that have us holding on to each other and

more importantly to God.

It is such a wonder to be reminded 

of His love and presence and delight.

To be assured that He is singing over us.

When my kids were little....(and even now sometimes),

I sang to them every night and anytime they wanted me to.

I made up a little song when Mark was a baby

and sang it to each of them - every night.

It was a way I could assure them of my love

It was a time of closeness and warmth

If they thought I might forget (which I wouldn't) -
they reminded me.

I have sung it to them by their beds...
in the rocking chair...
in the light of a campfire...
in a letter...
over the phone...

in an email...

in a whisper..
in a soft clear voice.

I sang over them in love and rejoicing.

Now here in God's Holy word

is the assurance that He is singing over us.

He is whispering in our ears the soft song of love

He is wrapping us in His arms

and assuring us that He is in control and He is with us.

He wants our anxious hearts to be quieted...

to rest in Him.

Just as my little ones relaxed and gave up the cares of the day

when they heard my song of love,

God wants the same from me -

trust and peace and comfort.

Oh How I love Jesus.

early morning ponderings

1:45 am

I am awake - again

I went to bed before Steve got home from his hockey game

I knew it was a mistake,

but I was tired and bed was warm. 

...and it was nearly midnight.

I love that he enjoys hockey 

and that it gives him good exercise and comradeship with the 'guys;

but the ice time they get is often late

If I go to sleep - or nearly go to sleep... and then am awakened

I am done.

the edge is off and I am awake. 

Oh well, I am never too tired the next day

like I used to be when I was younger

and I do eventually go to sleep (and tomorrow is Saturday :)

So I check my mail and Facebook and The Homeschool Lounge

...and then here I am - pondering and writing

Lately I have taken up the challenge offered at 750words.com

to write 750 words a day.

I have made it 10 days!  Thats good for me!

Kind of neat to be challenged to write the equivalent of 3 pages a day

interesting where my thoughts go while meandering through memories 

and thinking about what to write about.

It was easier today than 10 days ago

I am getting in the 'groove' I suppose

a fun challenge to myself.

Here at our house we are in the heart of winter

but now that is February, the end feels more in sight.

The groundhog came and went the other day

but whatever his prediction was, it is irrelevant here,

If he predicted a long winter - 6 more weeks - then yea~

That would be short for us

If he predicted a short winter - ha I know better than that

I'm hoping for very little snow left by the end of March

We'll see - what I do know is that spring comes

it always does, because God promised that it would

For now, in these days of cold

I have to keep focused on finding the beauty 

...and to tell you the truth it isn't that hard.  

it is beautiful

and if you could have seen the big smile on my sons face tonight

when he came home from the ski hill, then you'd have seen

the most beautiful part.

big smile, rosy cheeks, good stories.

So let it snow - open the flood gates of heaven :-)

sleepiness is returning - off to bed with me

Oh what a beautiful morning....

Painfully cold windy winter day in Wisconsin!!
Beautiful bright sunny February day in Wisconsin!!
Today God is reminding me that it's my choice how I see things.
In Tom's devotion we talked about how it's up to us to be
optimistic or pessimistic
hmmm
I know that, but I don't always remember that
Am I looking for the good in:
things
situations
people
winter days...
or am I determined to find the faults
It really is painfully cold, below zero outside
It is also windy and bitter and hostile
not really fit for spending any time out there
unless you really bundle up
It is also bright and beautiful
The sun reflects off of acres and acres of white snow
the wind picking up the loose snow dust
and swirling it around; creating drifts and beauty
I tend to stop at the cold and ignore the beauty
That isn't what God asks of me though
Whatever is true, whatever is honest
...just...pure...lovely...of good report...
of any virtue...
worthy of praise...
think on there things
God made this winter day
so it is worthy of praise
and undeniably lovely
so I will see its' beauty
and marvel at the God who brings beauty
to everything
When I asked Hallie Ann the other day
(in a definite moment of pessimism)
"what exactly is there to like about winter?"
she answered honestly (and optimistically)
"what is there not to like?"
and then to rub it in
she went on to list one after the other -
all the things she loves about winter
She has it right
you have to take the time to find the good
I could make a list to oppose hers
but what would that do 
except add to my discontent
instead I will list the lovely
and dwell on those
and will teach myself
through the loving hand of God
to find the beauty
and love winter
because it too is the handiwork of God

He giveth and giveth and giveth again....will I?

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain....
I love hearing that when I open up this blog.
I just don't get tired of hearing that song...


but anyway -
What is really on my mind is what my life for Christ means.
Tom's devotion today was about giving
How our life should be one big opportunity to give
really give.
The author (Bob Schultz - who's books I LOVE)
reminded us that it is God's very nature to give
What about Him is not giving?
Nothing.
He gives because He wants to
He gives because it brings Him joy. 
It is in the root of His Being.  
God is what a cheerful giver is all about.
and we are to be like God
Happy and excited about giving
Giving not out of necessity or grudgingly
but with my whole heart
out of joy and obedience (which brings joy)
It's in giving that we can share in God's delight.
God is all about giving 
and when I give I am mirroring Him
Schultz encouraged us to make giving our hobby!!
to pursue it with zeal and delight.
Why not?  
Giving is way bigger than money
It is smiles and kindness and time and provision.
It is giving up your place in line, or shoveling a walk
It is backrubs and picking up slack
It is meals and phone calls and written notes
It is saying "sure, my pleasure"
It is an extra chapter read at bedtime
It is reaching out to help in whatever way we can
It is seeing our abundance 
and giving out of that.
We can radiate God's love
simply by giving
in dozens of ways every day
in thousands of ways every year
Instead of a lifetime of seeking to acquire
why not a life time seeking ways to give
"...happiness walks with givers not getters"
What is my abundance?
(I have so much)
Perhaps it is all there...
the material and the spiritual and the emotional....
just so I can give it away.
I want to share in God's joy of giving
"Silver and gold have I none - 
but such as I have give I thee"
I pray that the rest of my life 
can be filled with days filled and overflowing
with GIVING.

Ahhh Ha!

Ok, just had to write this down while the feeling is fresh...
Just had one of those Ah-ha moments - or Tommy did anyway
We have been working on a particular concept in math
I have been feeling like 'this is not getting through'
Many times I've looked at his cute face 
and have seen this blankness
Like I am talking to a wall
Then suddenly today
after taking some time to review
and reteach
He comes in with his math assignment
and it is all done right
He didn't come for help
He knew how to do it on his own
SUCCESS
He has a big grin
I have a big grin - and a feeling of whew!
and on we go.
I love teaching my kids at home.

A new adventure

Two years ago, January 2009, our precious exchange student, 
Terka, came to stay with us.
That ended up to be life changing and priceless
Tomorrow we will welcome Paloma to our home
Another exchange student.  
Another January family change.
I can't sleep tonight
I suppose because I am anxious about tomorrow.
I love the idea of her coming 
and expect that it will be a great thing - 
but the first few days are always a bit awkward -
polite and friendly and stange.
I just want Paloma to feel at home
to feel like she belongs.
That takes awhile. 
Steve knows Paloma already
She is a student of his
He really likes her and has a high opinion of her
Others too, have told me how nice she is
We have met her, but only briefly
Hallie and Tommy are both excited about her coming
We have her room all ready
We are all ready too
It has been kind of a drawn out process...
started back in November...
but after all the wondering
now the day is almost here.
I want to be able to meet her needs
and be a blessing to her
That is all that really matters to me
It has to be hard to be so far from home
I don't think I ever could have gone so far from home when I was in school - I don't suppose my mom and dad would have let me...
kind of like I don't think I could let my kids
(I am not willing to give up the time with them)
I have kept them home to teach them...
largely because I couldn't give up the time with them...
But here she is, far from home (Chile)
wanting to find her niche 
I wonder what God has in store for all of us?
I was reading about God being the God who sees us
El Roi
He sees us and know our needs and wants to fill them
He knows Paloma's needs
He knows the needs of our family
Somehow those have something to do with one another
He is bringing us together for a purpose
His purpose.
I am excited to be a part of His plan for Paloma
I am excited that she is part of His plan for us.
I'm sure that the next 6 months will be interesting 
and full of blessings
I pray that we will be faithful in following Him through 
whatever is ahead.  
I pray that through living with us, Paloma would learn much
about this God who loves her and sees her and cares.
On my wall there is a saying...
"Let me live in such a way that those who know me 
but don't know God will come to know God because they know me"
I guess that is what I pray
that whether or not Paloma knows God now or not
She will get to know Him by living with us.

Thankful

The wind is howling outside - 
what started out as a clear, calm day
has ended in cold and wind
But it is warm inside
and our house is unexpectedly full
well, not quite full, we're still missing one -
but she is coming in a couple of days.
Then we will be full..busy..loud..and cozy.
Thanksgiving.

autumn joy, my boy

October 19
23 years ago I was marveling at the new little boy
God had given to me
Ryan Paul
Mellow from the start
rosiest skin, softest hair, bluest eyes
He stole my heart from that first plaintive cry
and he's never really given it back.
No one could cuddle like that little boy
Now he is 23
and married
and far away
but near in my heart
and in my memories.
especially today when I remember his coming
and thank God for the privilege and joy and adventure
of being his mom.

my anchor holds

We should get our first frost tonight.
Frost has been forecast a couple of times before,
but tonight I think it will come
Steve was out picking what will turn out to be the last of the garden...
except for the root vegetables that are blanketed by the soil
A few tomatoes are safe in the garage -
but I guess I have had the last warm 'just picked' ones for the year
sad days
They probably taste all the better in the summer
because of the long wait...
I am kind of ready for the garden to lose it's pull
No more guilt over food left to be picked
I am sad to see summer go for good all the same
Even though I know the seasons will come and go
just as God says they will
It is always a bit hard to see the change
Well....the change from winter to sping isn't hard
- at all -
I sure see, more and more as the years go by...
that life is just plain full of change.
Ryan surprised us by coming home this weekend
Rachel has a lot of studying and he had some free time
so here he is.
That is a nice change!
Though with everyone here, it is a lively change.
and a temporary one.
We took our two horses to their new home today
That is not a temporary change
It is good ....and sad
It will be very strange to not have them here
To not hear their nickers when we go outside
To not have their horsey smell out in the barn
To not have their friendly faces and warm brown eyes
    on the other side of the fence - hoping for a treat
But it is a change that we felt we needed to make
and they are with a new family who is so excited to have them
The horses seemed very happy and content in their new field...
not knowing that it was 'theirs'
but trusting that they were safe.
So now we have changed into a family without horses
but still with ducks and chickens and cats and a hermit crab...
and a the most wonderful dog I have ever known...
so it's all still good
And as we really transition into autumn tonight
with frosty nights that give way to frosty days
and frosty days that lead to ice and snow in the months to come
we always and for ever have our God
The one who gets us through the changes
and is the only UNchangeable part of our lives
His unchangingness is what gets me through
I can handle the things that are always in flux around me
when I can keep my eyes on Him
and know that that center doesn't move or change
He is the anchor to it all
and I am anchored to Him
humbling to ponder
it takes my breath away
but I am so grateful

another school year!

First week of school!
Three days into it....here we go again.
We have even had our first field trip -
this morning we went to Big Top Chautauqua up by Bayfield
There was a special performance of
"Abraham Lincoln's Living Legacy" put on by the Chautauqua perfomers.
It was great.
Lots of good music and narration
good reminders of who Lincoln was and what he means even today
...a bit of political editorial thrown in
but I guess I can ignore that - sort of
funny that a lot of it would have saddened Lincoln though....
well, on to school work.
Tom is working on his math
we are trying to do some placement drills
see what he remembers and what needs to be reviewed
where is a good place to start.
'the very beginning' while a 'very good place to start'...
it is not always the best place :)
Hal is off to her classes for the day
Steve is of course at school
The house is pretty quiet
but still seems busy none the less.
It is always sort of hard to get back into the routine of school
I have to make myself be organized and on task
I am more naturally slow in the morning and not great at planning ahead
Teaching my kids at home is a constant reigning in of that putsyness
To my benefit I am sure.
I kind of kick in mid morning and am much better by then
I think this will be a good year.
Having a 7th grader will be fun!
Tom is even pretty enthusiastic....
though some of that is for my benefit - thanks Tom
So here is to the year!!!

so long good buddy

After a lot of back and forth and 'what to do'
we decided that it is time to find new homes for our horses.
they just don't get the attention they need anymore.
not the easist decision.
With a bit of melancholy...
we said so long to our buddy Cocoa today.
He went to a great new home...
but he isn't here :(
We have had him, our pony, for 15 years
Tommy has never not had him out in the barn
Tommy actually wasn't thrilled with the decision,
but also doesn't spend much time with the horses
so understands - I guess
They have always been more 'Hallie Ann's horses'
though Cocoa has been kind of Tommy's
he is the one he can best ride...
but he needs to be ridden or driven more than every now and then -
So after harnessing him up and taking him for one more spin in the cart
and teaching the new owners the 'ropes'
he happily stepped into their trailer at our house
and later stepped out at a new farm
with a very happy little girl to welcome him
(Tommy said that he noticed that she didn't stop smiling
the whole time they were here picking Cocoa up -
that made him happy)
They called tonight and said he is doing great
already friends with their other 3 horses.
one is another pony...smaller than him
so now he gets to be 'big' for once.
I'll miss Cocoa
I'll miss his gentle brown eyes and soft muzzle
I'll miss his fuzzy heavy coat in winter
and his sleak fresh coat in the spring and summer
I'll miss him trotting to the barn to get grain or hay or greens
I'll miss saving my old bread for him (his favorite treat)
I'll even miss his stubborn streak
He was a very good friend
I bet the other two horses out in our barn are missing him too
Now he has plenty of clover and lots of attention
so he'll be fine
and so will we
but the barn will seem pretty empty without him.
Before long, hopefully we will find a home for the other two
hopefully together.
Then the barn will seem really empty
a part of our story will be ended
but a new part will start
and that will be good too.
So long good buddy - Cocoa
Thanks for being such a great little horse.
I hope you are VERY VERY happy at your new home
We'll come visit you sometime....