so long good buddy

After a lot of back and forth and 'what to do'
we decided that it is time to find new homes for our horses.
they just don't get the attention they need anymore.
not the easist decision.
With a bit of melancholy...
we said so long to our buddy Cocoa today.
He went to a great new home...
but he isn't here :(
We have had him, our pony, for 15 years
Tommy has never not had him out in the barn
Tommy actually wasn't thrilled with the decision,
but also doesn't spend much time with the horses
so understands - I guess
They have always been more 'Hallie Ann's horses'
though Cocoa has been kind of Tommy's
he is the one he can best ride...
but he needs to be ridden or driven more than every now and then -
So after harnessing him up and taking him for one more spin in the cart
and teaching the new owners the 'ropes'
he happily stepped into their trailer at our house
and later stepped out at a new farm
with a very happy little girl to welcome him
(Tommy said that he noticed that she didn't stop smiling
the whole time they were here picking Cocoa up -
that made him happy)
They called tonight and said he is doing great
already friends with their other 3 horses.
one is another pony...smaller than him
so now he gets to be 'big' for once.
I'll miss Cocoa
I'll miss his gentle brown eyes and soft muzzle
I'll miss his fuzzy heavy coat in winter
and his sleak fresh coat in the spring and summer
I'll miss him trotting to the barn to get grain or hay or greens
I'll miss saving my old bread for him (his favorite treat)
I'll even miss his stubborn streak
He was a very good friend
I bet the other two horses out in our barn are missing him too
Now he has plenty of clover and lots of attention
so he'll be fine
and so will we
but the barn will seem pretty empty without him.
Before long, hopefully we will find a home for the other two
hopefully together.
Then the barn will seem really empty
a part of our story will be ended
but a new part will start
and that will be good too.
So long good buddy - Cocoa
Thanks for being such a great little horse.
I hope you are VERY VERY happy at your new home
We'll come visit you sometime....

another day of letting go

I am up again in the wee hours of the morning
one of those nights when a million things
are whirling around in my head
and I just can't seem to quiet them.
I was challenged yesterday in my devotions
- to realize how completely God is directing my life
He is orchestrating it
I don't have to beg Him to lead me
He IS leading me.
as His child, I am in His care
and oh how tenderly He cares
that is a comfort right now,
especially when I think of those that I love
...but as I try to sleep tonight
I find myself fighting with fretful thoughts
about how some that I love are having to stuggle
I want to figure out a way to 'fix'  their stuggles
to reach in and make things easier
but that isn't my job anymore
never really was I suppose,
but for sure it isn't now.
so here I am acting like I doubt God's care for them
why do I struggle with the very thing that God is teaching me?
why now, after such clear teaching from the heart of God
about His faithful care and leading
do I begin to doubt the truth of it?
my heart doesn't doubt it
but my mind does
I toss and turn and worry
acting as if I don't beleive that God is watching out for them
when I know beyond a doubt
that their deepest desire is to follow and serve Him
is He not tenderly watching over them?
is he not carefully and purposefully leading them?
has He not shown this to be true
over and over and over.......
I absolutely know the answer to that
- absolutely.
so now, I have to let them go into His care.
another day of letting go.
another day of being reminded that I am not in charge
but One who is all wise
and all loving
and all knowing
IS

I want to know Him

I love normal.
there is something in us...or me anyway...
that likes it when things stay the same
at least the good things.
after so many weeks of busy and 'not normal'
this morning I woke up to a regular day
Steve is home from moving Ryan and Rachel,
all the busyness is over
today is 'just' a summer day in Wisconsin
(at least so far)
It isn't a normal day for one of my best friends
she wakes this morning as a new grandma
her first grandchild was born yesterday
thats a GOOD 'not normal'
but will forever now be her new normal.
BUT this regularness isn't really what I should be aiming for
as good as it feels, comfort really isn't the goal.
In 'My Utmost for His Highest',
Oswald Chambers, yesterday, said
'we are not here to enjoy a quiet spiritual retreat'
wow, ok, that is convicting.
I would love to live my life out in a quiet retreat.
but seriously, that can't be what I am here for! 
Paul realizes in the Philippians that the reason that he is here
is to know God.  That is it. 
and in striving, always to know Him...
to look for Him in every situation...
to seek His will and His purpose in all that I do...
to always be yearning to know Him more....
to surrender to Him in everything...
I will be pointing others to Him too.
The point isn't what I am doing,
but who I am doing it for.
The end result is not the goal, but the journey is.
We are so goal oriented in our society.
I know I am, I love my lists
but the end becomes the goal
and really, we live in the process not the finish.
and the process has everything to do with my
relationship with Christ.
I don't want to be so caught up in clinging to 'normal'
that I lose the journey that He wanted me to have
and that journey is following Him
down His path
wherever that may lead
and it will never be normal.
or ordinary
but He will be there
so that is where Iwant to be
seeking Him.

we have not gone this way before

I keep coming here to write,
and then leave having not really written anything
The past weeks - months I guess- have been so full and busy
Many things to think back on and ponder and sort through
Hard to put down in words I guess
On June 12th my Ryan married his sweetheart - Rachel
It was a beautiful wedding for two wonderful people
Now there is a new family!
The planning and orchestrating of the day
was really all Rachel and her mom's doing
They kept me up to date on the plans, but they did the leg work
and it was simply beautiful.
I was really pretty stressed early in the week of the wedding
It was a strange feeling, very anxious, which isn't really like me
Then as the week went on (and many prayers were said)
I felt a peace and comfort - a real change
and the rest of the week was fine.
Now, 3 weeks later, they have been home here for a couple of days
They honeymooned in Hawaii for 13 days and returned happy
and ready to push ahead with their future.
It has been great to see them
They are wonderfully different now
something amazing happens when two become one in marriage
their is a bond that is different
I just love the transition.
Mark and Steph have been over with them
and the family just feels good
Now Rachel is officially one of us and it feels more right.
I am so thankful that God is weaving all of this together
He has a plan and He is laying it out in front of us.
We don't really know where He is leading,
We have not gone this way before.
but we are trusting in the assurance that HE KNOWS
He HAS gone this way before -
so we just have to follow.
I heard a missionary speak recently about following God
on a road not familiar
How we have to have our focus not on the circumstances
but on God.
He said something to the effect that
When the road is a new one to us
remember - it is an old one to God
He has it all planned out -
and has had it planned from the beginning of time.
It is all familiar territory to Him.
Our family is branching off
and taking roads going in new and different directions-
Ryan and Rachel will leave soon for St. Louis
and a new home
and a new job (Ryan)
and Med School (Rachel)
and the next chapter of their life
Mark and Steph will continue to push ahead with their plans
and wait patiently for God's guidance and timing
Hallie Ann will start the adventure of college
Tommy and Steve and I will keep on following and trusting
It is all unknown and uncertain to us -
but none of it is unknown or uncertain to God
I am so glad that it isn't all about us
It IS all about God
This is all His story
I just have to let Him give me my next part day by day
After all the busy-ness of the this spring and summer
That is the best comfort that there is
Now, I just need a little peace and  quiet to re-charge
and then be ready for what ever is next.

pondering friendship

The end of a Saturday. 
It has been a pretty busy one, but now the dark has fallen and I can sit a bit.  Ryan and Rachel are on their way here for the shower tomorrow.  Mark is over waiting for Steph to pick him up after she has spent the evening with some friends.  Tom and Steve just came in from outside where they had a sort of fire in the fire ring...mostly debris from the yard...just a quick fire.  Hal and I have been working on her open house invitations.  The printer of course isn't working right...maybe a new cartridge will help.  I am too cheap to buy new ones very often.  I re-fill the ones I have till they don't work any more - and it looks like this one is ready for the garbage.  So, since that won't work, I'll just write for a while.
The thing most on my heart today is the value of friends.
I was reminded this week - yesterday actually - of the fragileness of friendship.
And the preciousness of it.
I determined many years ago that friendship was too important to hold lightly.
I realized that I was (am) so flawed
And so are the people around me.
I made a committment to be fierce in my friendships
to hold them as in a vice-grip
I would have bad days and get frustrated
so would my friends.
I had to determine ahead of time that I would forgive before an offense even took place.
I refuse to let misunderstandings, slipped words, bad days, slights or whatever to ruin
relationships that I hold dear.
I get so tired of seeing people turn their backs on people because of some small thing, or even a bigger thing. 
Not that there aren't times when you have to walk away...
but not easily...
not without thought
not without effort to repair and heal
Why do we assume the worst of those that we love?
Why do we feel free to find fault in others -
- constantly
but when we learn that someone is irritated with us,
or is offended by us,
we get so indignant and self-righteous.
So after events of the last few hours...I am more determined
I have felt helplessness and sorrow
I have felt regret and shame
and I have experienced healing -
the delight and relief of mended fences
the gift of easy forgiveness - love as it should be.
God gifts us with friendship
It is not a gift without cost -
but it is a gift of priceless worth
I am overcome with thankfulness.

crazy days

I am in the middle of what I will call the crazy weeks of 2010. 
We have been to Ryan's college graduation on the 8th
to Rachel (his fiance's) graduation from college on the 15th
Will be going to Rachel's wedding shower here is Sunday
Hallie Ann's high school graduation is the 30th
The wedding is June 12th.
Beyond the obvious craziness of this
Is the fact that I love simplicity and quiet and lots of time margin.
It is the way I am wired.
Definitely more an introvert -
I get my 'recharge' from quiet and solitude...
I don't have the natural ability to thrive on deadlines and busyness.
So this is all a challenge for me...but then challenge is good.
My sister is the most energetic and organized person I know.
She is always doing something - always has purpose -
or so it seems to me.
I wish she were here to put all of this together for me.
But I'll make it through anyway.
Today I decided...
that Tom and I are just going to be done with school for the year.
We have a little left in his math book and his science book...
but then I never did finish a textbook in school growing up.
He isn't complaining about the extra week off -
He was out on the trampoline this afternoon
with the hose hooked up to the basketball net, spraying down on him
whooping and giggling and yelling "It's summer" at the top of his lungs.
Gee...no regret on being done with the daily 'classes with mom'
lets see...am I offended?  ha ha....NO
(he maybe doesn't know that I am probably more ready than he to be finished :)
So, that is one thing I can cross off my list - 6th grade with Tom - check
Now for the next thing...
I will remind myself that June 13th is coming...and except for Hal's grad party in early July
the summer will be there to welcome me in time...

pomp and circumstance

We went to Ryan's graduation from college yesterday.
When we were waiting for the light on the exit ramp
where we turn toward campus
I remembered waiting at that same light
July 2006
heading for freshman orientation
Everything was strange and unfamiliar
Now it was familiar to me and 'home' to him
Here we were waiting again
May 2010
heading for graduation
where in the world did that time go?
Ryan looked so handsome and so grown up
sharp shirt and tie, shiney shoes, square shoulders....
black gown, square 'hat'
such confidence and calmness - and excitement
many wonderful memories...
surrounded by friends made in shared days and studies
I am so proud of him
and so full of love and hope and prayers
God go with you Ryan
may His peace and strength be what holds you up 
and what you lean on every day
It has been an honor to be a part of your life
to raise you and love you
You are my joy
The privilege has been all mine.

T-Tom Terrific

Tommy is 12
He is now the age that Mark was when Tommy was born.
This is my last year with someone younger than a teenager.
It's a day off school because birthday's always are at our house
at least for those of us studying school at home...
Steve and Hallie Ann have to go to a track meet,
so we will celebrate tomorrow as a family,
but Tom and I will celebrate today.
He is a reason to celebrate.
My heart swells when I consider what a gift he is
Back 'before Tom'
we thought we were all set as a family
mom, dad, son, son, and daughter
what could be better?
well----God knew one thing
Tommy
from feelings of panic to excitement
he was on his way
and we have never been the same.
Makes me realize that change can definitely be good
God knows what He is doing
I thank God for Tommy and all he adds to us
Have a happy birthday bud...you are loved.

 (mom)

becoming a mom

Today is a good day.
24 years ago today, I officially became a mom.
I could argue that I became a mom 9 months earlier than that.....
but April 8 is when I got to hold my very own baby for the 1st time.
I still remember what an awesome feeling that was.
For as long as I can remember,
that is what I wanted...
to be a mom
Now, I finally was
Mark was so beautiful
and so soft
and smelled so good.
He fit in my arms so perfectly.
I fell in love with every thing about him
I fell deeper in love every passing moment
I guess I still do.
I thank God for that little baby and for the man he has become
It has been a priviledge and an honor.
Happy Birthday Mark,
I truely truely love you.
Mom

healing water

Tommy and I took a chance
and drove over to our favorite beach..
Yea! the ice was out up there!! 
The bay by us is still frozen,
but the beach is not as sheltered, nearer open water...
there, the ice was out! 
I can't even put in words what it does to me
to see WATER after the long months of ice. 
Growing up by the ocean,
I learned to find healing and rest by the water
There is something about gazing at the far horizon
and hearing the rhythm of the waves
and feeling small - yet a part of...
When the winter cold freezes the lake
it suddenly feels confined
and rigid
and unforgiving
When the ice goes out
it is like an old friend has made it home
I think I breathe easier
I know I find peace.
Once again, I find a reason to rejoice in spring!
And thank God for His faithfulness.